The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) today issued a Major Shitstorm Warning for Southeast Louisiana, as an abnormally large hurricane anniversary has formed in the Gulf of Mexico and is expected to make landfall next week — repeatedly, and with no chance of weakening.
According to NOAA, this Shitstorm is expected to be the strongest anniversary system in at least 10 years, fueled by a warm current of national media coverage and a near-perfect storm of political opportunism.
“We’ve been advised this Shitstorm will bring catastrophic levels of allegory, a flood of hyperbole, and a storm surge of forced solemnity,” said Mayor LaToya Cantrell, speaking from an undisclosed location as she continues to dodge questions about her federal indictment. She added the system also carries a high chance of at least three photo-opping presidents and several C-list celebrities who “once filmed something here.”
New Orleans Public Safety and Homeland Security Director Anthony Brennan urged residents to prepare now.
“Citizens should expect one to two weeks of exhausting wall-to-wall coverage, interviews with the same five people who were already interviewed in 2006, and more drone footage of the Lower 9 than any of us asked for. We strongly advise blocking CNN, NOLA.com, and all social media until further notice.”
Neutral Ground News New Orleans Public Safety and Homeland Security Director Anthony Brennan at an emergency city meeting pointing to a major Shitstorm that has formed in the Gulf of Mexico and is projected to repeatedly make landfall on the Gulf Coast over the next several days.
WWL-TV Chief Meteorologist Chris Franklin confirmed Shitstorm-force winds of hot air will extend outward up to 7,918 miles (12,743 km) and is expected to strengthen into a major depression.
“This is a massive system. It’ll be everywhere: TV, radio, the internet, your Uber driver, even that guy at the bar. Hell, there’s already a fragrance line. There’s no escaping Katrina’s 20th anniversary,” Franklin said. “All you can do is try to ride it out. I recommend avoiding everyone and everything as much as possible for the duration. This is truly the mother of all Shitstorms.”
Local residents who’ve weathered previous commemorations say the forecast sounds accurate.
“The 40th anniversary of Hurricane Camille, which, mind you, was a Category 5, got maybe two days of coverage,” said Gentilly resident Sandy Warschard. “This one’s gonna last two weeks, minimum. Wouldn’t surprise me if it spawned a new reality TV show, a Broadway play, a movie, and collectible Funko Pops. Shit, I need a drink.”
The Shitstorm is expected to produce widespread audible groans and eye-rolls across the Gulf Coast through September 1.