What we know so far on this breaking news as updates come in:
• The Confederate statues of Robert E. Lee, P.G.T. Beauregard, and Jefferson Davis became sentient and mobile today when city workers were cleaning their respective locations.
• The City Council has voted to fine all three statues for unpermitted usage of “Air Rights.”
• Photo enforcement vehicles across the city show the statues are moving 28 mph, not quite fast enough to be ticketed.
• Mayor Mitch Landrieu has advised all bars to close doors at 3 a.m.
• WWL, WDSU, WVUE, and WGNO advise locals to hunker down and not flip channels.
• New Orleans Pelicans losses will go on as scheduled.
• NOLA.com/Times-Picayune is asking eye-witnesses to please contact their offices to be interviewed for next month’s breaking story.
• Authorities advise citizens to take alternate routes when traveling for the foreseeable future, with any roads not in Orleans Parish as the top recommendation.
• Insurance officials advise no policy covers “Acts of Statue.”
• Authorities have blamed the statues for decimating the city’s transportation infrastructure, creating holes in over 75% of the city’s streets.
• Bar & Grill will give free shots every time Beauregard’s horse drops anchor.
• The Mayor will hold a press conference updating the public as soon as it is most beneficial to him.
Stay tuned for more on this developing story.