Mayor Cantrell proposes bold initiative to stop rampant carjackings in New Orleans by redefining “crime”

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Mayor LaToya Cantrell, in partnership with the City Council, today took a bold step to stop the high incidence of armed robbery carjacking crimes in the Big Easy by introducing a radical violence initiative.

On the heels of the city’s rampant shootings and carjackings in New Orleans, Cantrell surprised everyone at the City Council meeting today by making a personal appearance and then proposing her new initiative to not only reduce but also eliminate carjacking and armed robbery in the floundering Parish.

“I’ve heard the voice of the people saying the number of carjackings and armed robberies is wildly out of control, and they are right,” the mayor said.

“Far too many are reported in our fair city. But what, exactly, is carjacking? What is armed robbery? Well, they’re crimes, sure. But what if they weren’t?”

Intrigued, the City Council elected to pause their meeting to hear what plans the ‘#CityofYes’ mayor had in mind to combat out-of-control crime rates.

“Now stay with me on this. Sure, people may still be held up at gunpoint and be shot dead in the streets, but they wouldn’t be, ya’ know, crimes. And if it’s not a crime, it doesn’t get reported as a crime. The City doesn’t have to get involved. No more red dots on the map. And then we can say with undeniable confidence that I… uh, we… not only have reduced the rate of carjackings and armed robbery but eliminated them completely. Best of all, this is all accomplished in just one day.”

The mayor then asked the City Council to remove all counts of carjacking and armed robbery from the City’s law books, which they did enthusiastically in a 9-1 vote.

“New Orleans is no longer the crime capital of the South. Those kinds of crimes just don’t happen here,” said a smiling Council member donning a bullet-proof vest when leaving the meeting at City Hall.

Cantrell also touted the fiscal savings the changes will bring, significantly reducing the need for the NOPD, the courts, and parish prison. The mayor said the funds saved are sorely needed for other critical priorities, such as photo opportunities and Teedy cups.

If this initiative successfully ends armed robberies and carjackings in New Orleans on paper, the mayor said she will look into eliminating other crimes from the law, including murder, burglary, theft, and assault and battery, and, possibly, tax issues for select individuals.

“Crime hurts far too many people. We want to change the culture of violence into a culture of peace. By 2023, New Orleans could be the first city in America without a single crime on the books,” said Cantrell.

New Orleans District Attorney Jason Williams, who has been under fire for not prosecuting suspects quickly enough and releasing an alarming number of dangerous criminals back onto the streets, said the mayor’s initiative is a step in the right direction to stop rampant carjackings in New Orleans among other regrettable incidences.

“Charging someone with a crime without being inside their head and knowing their true, actual thinking and intentions is incredibly demeaning and harmful to the psyche,” Williams said. “The mayor’s initiative gives us the opportunity to let our city evolve organically without my or any other unnatural interference.”

Devin Snow, a local who remains suspicious of the mayor’s ability to effectively reduce crime and make the city safer said he is fed up after having his car window smashed as with many other residents.

“LaToya, ya ever had glass in ya ass?”