The Tulane Green Wave made another bold move this morning, announcing that the lone surviving monkey from October’s highway crash has officially been hired as the football team’s new offensive coordinator.
Fresh off promoting veteran assistant Will Hall to become the program’s next head coach, Tulane released a statement thanking Jon Sumrall for the progress he made and noting their enthusiasm for the Hall era, calling it “a moment to explore fresh ideas and consider candidates we might have overlooked in the past.”
The hire became obvious, officials said, once they reviewed his résumé: unmatched escapability, elite open-field instincts, proven ability to avoid containment for days, and a natural gift for creating total confusion among anyone trying to stop him.
The new coordinator, who is going by Forrest out of respect for his time on the run, is already familiar with the institution. He previously attended Tulane’s National Primate Research Center before transferring to Popcorn Park Animal Refuge in Lacey Township, N.J., where he further developed his approach through what analysts describe as “constant experimentation, occasional breakthroughs, and zero respect for established boundaries.”
Forrest is expected to spend Tulane’s CFP matchup against Ole Miss taking notes, studying tendencies, and occasionally flinging whatever helps him think.
Officials insist they’re confident in the hire. One put it this way: “Look, we’ve seen what he can do when he’s cornered. Imagine what he can do with a full playbook and no leash.”