LSU’s offense has averaged just 25.5 points per game this season, ranking 83rd in the nation and trailing offensive juggernauts such as Rice, Kent State, and several intramural flag football teams that at least remembered to show up. The unit has struggled to move the ball, inspire confidence, or justify anyone spending their limited hours on Earth watching it, but its former head coach finally found a way to score.
After months of trotting out an offensive offense, Brian Kelly put up his most impressive numbers of the year in the form of a reported $20 million buyout, trimmed down from an initial estimate of $53 million. The deal was finalized after both sides agreed no further effort would be required.
Analysts noted that Kelly’s final play call, “Kneel and Cash Out,” may go down as the most effective of his tenure.
“It’s impressive,” said one SEC insider. “Most of his drives stalled, but this one went straight to the bank.”
LSU Athletic Director Scott Woodward admitted he wasn’t sure if Kelly would elect to kick or receive him, but said he had a gut feeling to go for it.
“I watched some film on Jimbo Fisher’s buyout, and it really helped with this matchup,” Woodward said. “You study the tape, you see what worked, you make adjustments. That’s what championship programs do.”
Kelly could not be reached for comment, though sources say his voicemail just plays “For the Love of Money” by The O’Jays.
“Twenty million to sit on your ass and not deal with me, the governor, the media, or the fans,” Woodward said. “Hell, I wish I could buy myself out.”