Saints, Patriots finalize cooks for butler deal

Neutral Ground News - New Orleans News - Satire

A highly discussed NFL trade involving frequent partners the New England Patriots and New Orleans Saints is finally complete.

The Patriots’ underrated butler, Barnaby Pennywhistle, who immediately shores up an area of need in the Saints Facility, is on his way to New Orleans. Among his versatility, Pennywhistle has flawlessly served the Patriots’ hard-driving head coach Bill Belichick for 24 years, dating back to the legendary coach’s days with the Cleveland Browns.

Details of the trade are not yet final, but sources indicate that New Orleans will be sending three cooks to New England in exchange for Pennywhistle and contract extension talks are already underway in New Orleans.

Pennywhistle should contribute immediately in New Orleans, but comes at the cost of giving up highly talented cooks who produced 1,387 incredible meals at 65 receptions during the 2016 season. Though, the prevailing opinion suggests the Saints will quickly identify the next young cooks in a talent-rich market such as New Orleans.

Critics contend that Saints’ team meals and in-flight snacks will suffer as they lose these talented palettes, but a source close to the New Orleans front office believes there is ample culinary talent remaining in the New Orleans area.

General Manager Mickey Loomis has long contended that it was time to clean up the Saints locker room and a versatile butler goes a long way towards that end. Pennywhistle brings years of experience, several cleaning tools, and even after game locker mints as he begins the next chapter of his career.

Neutral Ground News spoke to the recently re-signed Nick Fairley who told us that talk of a butler helped sway him back to the Big Easy.

“I heard he got mints,” Fairley said.

When asked for comment, Cornerback Delvin Breaux said that a butler would help with recent health issues in the secondary as the “floors will finally be clear of all these trip hazards.”

According to sources, this trade may qualify the Saints for a compensatory craft services table.