Battle to the Death: Landrieu increases parking meters fee to the ultimate price

Don Kiebels

Mayor Mitch Landrieu has raised parking meter fees to the ultimate price. Starting in January, anyone visiting New Orleans will have to battle to the death for the right to use a parking space on a city street.

According to Landrieu spokesman Steve Mayer, a battle for a spot will commence once there are at least two suitors wishing to occupy the same parking space Monday through Saturday from 12:00 a.m.-11:59 p.m.

Sundays will remain free, except from 12:00 a.m.-11:59 p.m. The survivor will then pay a Victor’s Tribute of $3 per hour while claiming the space, twice the previous rate.

“It will be hand-to-hand combat. No guns, no knives, no weapons. Just bare-fisted people slugging it out Thunderdome-style until only one of them is left standing. In the words of Highlander, there can only be one,” said Mayer.

“Once a survivor pays the Victor’s Tribute, they are guaranteed the spot for two hours and he or she cannot be challenged by anyone wanting that spot until the two hours elapses.”

The mayor’s office estimates this price hike will help curb the world’s skyrocketing human population by 2% over the next decade and also eliminate many of those who don’t agree with Landrieu. Family, friends and guests of the mayor will receive special car stickers exempting them from all fees.

Mayer said the goal is to create more short-term, fluid parking spots by increasing the killing that ultimately reduces demand on the city’s limited resources.

“This moves comes with much thought. Mayor Landrieu is very cognizant of the overpopulation problem facing the world. He wants to direct New Orleans to be seen as a future-forward city that is tackling the issue head on before it’s too late. Plus, raising the parking meter price helps free up parking, cleans up our streets, reduces the number of people our police have to respond to, and brings in much-needed revenue. It’s really a win-win for everyone.”

Mayer confirms more parking enforcement officers will need to be hired, effectively eliminating any new revenue the city makes from the price increase, as well as a new administrative official to oversee the public getting screwed. Landrieu’s sister, current Washington lobbyist and former state senator Mary Landrieu, is rumored to be the favorite to land the position.

“There is a lot of pent-up anger in New Orleans right now. This will be a great way to release it while also helping the city,” said Maher.