God postpones Easter celebrations citing fatigued Jesus “too sick to rise”

Neutral Ground News - New Orleans News - Satire

Christians around the world will have to make other plans for this weekend after God announced he has canceled Easter celebrations due to his Son, Jesus, falling ill.

Making the statement via Twitter on Holy Thursday, God has scrapped all plans for the weekend. This would be the first time in 1,986 years Easter has been postponed.

God cancels Easter celebrations: Jesus “too sick to rise”

Jesus, who God said is “extremely disappointed,” is temporarily bed bound with what his doctors are saying is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome due to his demanding schedule, particularly between the hectic Christmas and Easter seasons.

“He was going to celebrate Easter but we recommended he needs rest. He’s just too sick to rise, and you can’t resurrect without first getting out of bed,” Dr. Alton Ochsner, Sr, the Lord’s lead physician, said.

“Being born, executed, and resurrected every year for almost 2,000 years straight will definitely take a toll on the body, even His. Plain and simple, He’s whipped.”

St. Michael the Archangel, who heads security for all of the Holy Family’s appearances, said both God and Jesus’ mother, Mary, have been telling Him to slow down for centuries now, but Jesus takes the salvation of souls very seriously and, known for his infallible work ethic, won’t take any time off.

“Jesus is a grinder for sure,” St. Michael said. “He hasn’t taken a vacation since going to the grand opening for Rome’s Baths of Caracalla in 217 A.D. Mary keeps telling Him to take a day off, but He’s all about His followers. They drive him. You hear about how great Taylor Swift is to her fans but He personally answers, in some way or another, every message that His people send. Every single one. His devotion is pretty amazing.”

God said He already knew people would be disappointed in the cancellation long before they did, but He says the faithful should hold onto their candy, gifts, and get-togethers.

The Almighty today announced plans to create a temporary makeup day in between Saturday and Sunday sometime this Summer tentatively named “rEaster.” Though, He later said it most likely will be named something else because He can “do better than that.”

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