Middle-aged woman finally finds true love, set to marry bed

Middle aged woman finally finds true love, set to marry bed - Neutral Ground News - New Orleans newsDon Kiebels

People spend their entire lives looking for a soul mate, searching near and far for “the one.” As fate would have it, one New Orleans woman didn’t even have to “rise and shine” to find the love of her life.

Tired of one-night stands, immature dates, and a remaining pool of singles that resembled a public natatorium after a bout of Popeyes Belly, Uptown resident Kadie Metcalf decided to finally take destiny into her own hands and today announced she is going to marry her one true love, her bed, after a nearly pristine six-year relationship.

“I was at Lucy’s for Taco Tuesday, all on my own, and began thinking back over the last 40 years — all the guys that have come and gone with nothing to show for it — while feeling a bit sad for myself,” said Metcalf. “Well, sad until the tacos came out. You can’t be sad when you have tacos. But as soon as I finished the dozen, I got sad and started thinking again.”

Bartender Kylie Richards, who noticed Metcalf’s gloominess, offered her a drink on the house to try to cheer her up and randomly selected to make the delicious bright green cocktail Tie Me to the Bedpost, a mix of melon liqueur, citrus vodka, coconut rum, and sweet and sour and garnished with a cherry.

Richards said that she saw Metcalf’s eyes light up as soon as she heard the cocktail’s name, but not because it was free or brightly colored.

“I never want to leave and when I do it’s what I think about all day long,” said Kadie Metcalf as she prepared a romantic evening alone with her bed.

Metcalf said she began being honest with herself by asking a few simple questions: Who is the most loyal person in my life? Who is always there when I need them the most? Who never betrays me, never talks back, and holds me while ugly crying during a binge of This Is Us?

And just like that, the gloom was gone. The one Metcalf had been waiting for her whole life had been right beneath her nose and back the entire time: her bed.

“It’s where I am happiest,” said Metcalf. “I never want to leave it and when I do it’s what I think about all day long. I love my bed. I really, really do. More than any person by far.”

At first, Metcalf was worried about what her friends and family might say about her atypical relationship.

“I think, deep down, we all love our beds more than life itself and wish we could be with them but society is so restricting on what it deems as love — my bed always has my back,” Metcalf said.

While most have been comfortable with Metcalf’s decision, her great-aunt Norma Coddler hesitates to give her blessing.

“It’s just so odd,” said Norma. “I just think she should sleep on it before making any final decisions.”

While rare, relationships with beds are on the rise. According to the National Academy of Peaceful Sleep (NAPS), 1 in 10 people were married to their beds in 2000. That number rose to 1 in 4 people in 2017. And while it may seem to be a match made on cloud nine, NAPS warns of the pitfalls.

“While these relationships may initially bring a lot of comfort and warmth, it will not last. These relationships have a lifespan of between 7-10 years before the person decides to move on to a new one.”

Metcalf has not yet set a date for the marriage though she has boxed it for sometime this Spring and plans to have Mattress Firm in City Park host the ceremony and reception.