Traveler Today names New Orleans most romantic city for contracting Ebola

Neutral Ground News - New Orleans News - SatireDon Kiebels

New Orleans, already known as the “Paris of the South” for its incredibly amorous atmosphere, has added yet another loving accolade to its extensive list.

Traveler Today magazine has named New Orleans the nation’s most romantic city for contracting the Ebola virus.

“After exhaustive studies and surveys, we found that New Orleans is absolutely the nation’s top city for lovers looking to share the ultimate love-to-death experience should an Ebola outbreak occur within the United States,” said Hugh Dayd, editor of Traveler Today.

“With its infectiously warm culture and enchanting Old World charm reminiscent of Europe’s Bubonic plague era, New Orleans is truly the only city in the nation where we feel a person can really connect with those they love by contracting and then infecting them with Ebola.”

While New Orleans has never had a confirmed case of Ebola, officials are working hard to ensure it is prepared to meet the star-crossed standards of a city leading the way for the nation.

“New Orleans is one-of-a-kind in so many ways, and we are so very honored to finally be recognized for our third world infrastructure in such a significant way,” said Alex Bodin, a spokesman for the New Orleans Tourism Marketing Corporation.

“While we haven’t had a case of Ebola just yet, we’re working feverishly with Mayor Landrieu’s office to make sure our city’s piping, water system, health system, and roadways put us in a prime position to land one the next time an outbreak is even remotely possible.”

Dr. John Moses, a senior epidemiologist with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), agrees.

“Ebola is such an intimate virus. It literally makes you share what’s on the inside. So if you have a significant other, I can’t think of anything more romantic or bonding than experiencing Ebola together,” said Dr. Moses.

“Before declaring it the winner, Traveler Today asked me what I thought about New Orleans, and with its subpar health issues, it seems a perfect setting to contract and infect. The government there has really done a great job.”

NOLA Ebola T-Shirt

Be sure to get your NOLA Ebola t-shirt and spread your love for New Orleans before they succumb to great public demand.

In awarding New Orleans the title, Traveler Today noted the city’s unwavering commitment to maintaining a water system that rivals anything from medieval times.

“The way New Orleans makes its citizens constantly boil water because it may be dangerous to their health and even then only gives them notice of the issue long after most of them have already used some to brush their teeth, take showers or just get a drink, really put it over the edge. This city is on another level, so it was unanimous. Our entire team voted for New Orleans.”

The New Orleans Tourism Marketing Corporation says it has plans to incorporate the newfound title into several grand celebrations leading up to the city’s tricentennial in 2018.

“Expect an increase in water boils and more potholes over the next few years. We’re going to party like it’s 1718. And be sure to get your NOLA Ebola shirts before they succumb to great public demand,” said Bodin.