Authorities say a tourist tweeted the New Orleans Police Department this morning after noticing a suspicious white powder at Cafe Du Monde on Decatur, forcing one of the city’s hazmat units to respond to the coffee-and-beignet restaurant.
Around 10:15 a.m. David Ashbury-Smythe of San Francisco, CA, was strolling by Cafe Du Monde when he noticed a small mound of a white, powdery substance on one of the coffee-and-beignet stand’s tables by the sidewalk with no one present.
“My mind was really clear and my eyes extremely sharp after doing hot yoga, so I knew there were three and a half grams right there out in the open, and I notified the nearest employee immediately.”
According to waiter Jacques Roche, Ashbury-Smythe had a panicked look when he pointed to the powder asking what it was. Roche allegedly responded by saying “nothing” and began wiping the table.
Alarmed at how quickly the waiter had dismissed his concerns, Ashbury-Smythe believed Roche may have been in on whatever it was so he tweeted the police while live streaming on his YouTube channel. The Yuccie insisted no one else attempt to clean the table before the authorities could investigate or else he would “make him, her, hir, or zir internet infamous.”
New Orleans Police spokesman Roger Patterson confirmed officers excitedly responded to the tweet but declined to provide any more details on the investigation because their orders hadn’t arrived yet.
Though, Ashbury-Smythe said he saw an officer scrape the powder into a small baggy, dip his pinky, and put it into his mouth while laughing.
While Cafe Du Monde declined to comment on the situation, the New Orleans icon did offer an epic facepalming.
Ashbury-Smythe, who is leaving New Orleans in two days and has yet to hear from anything from authorities, said he has not been pleased with his visit.
“I’m not pleased. Not at all. I’d heard about how corrupt New Orleans is but I never thought it would be so blatant. Being from California, I guess I expect a certain level of sophistication that these backwaters don’t have. I mean, may Pelosi bless their little hearts — it’s not really their fault. They just don’t know any better.”
Despite the negative experience, Ashbury-Smythe said he plans to return later this year and become a permanent resident the Bywater so he can use his creativity to solve many of the city’s flaws he saw on the first trip.
“As someone of privilege born in the great state of California, it’s my responsibility to give back to those less fortunate. My life’s mission is a mission trip to New Orleans.”