Team physician mercifully puts down New Orleans Pelicans after months of suffering

Team physician mercifully puts down New Orleans Pelicans after months of suffering

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The struggles for the New Orleans Pelicans are finally over, may they rest in peace.

Franchise officials said the team was euthanized early this morning after battling several “aggressive degenerative conditions” that ultimately became unmanageable over the last season and raised concerns about team’s “overall viability.”

According to a statement released by the franchise, the Pelicans had suffered for months and the Head Medical Team Physician Dr. Adam Flynn made the “difficult but necessary decision” to euthanize the team after its condition recently worsened.

“Despite some optimism last spring, the Pelicans’ condition took a drastic downturn in January and never recovered,” Dr. Flynn said. “The quality of the team was compromised so we made the humane decision to euthanize it.”

Team doctors began noticing minor symptoms a few years ago and initially managed them with a combination of duct tape, Shinola, and blissful ignorance. The condition reportedly became aggressive in January and quickly began ravaging the team’s body of work. By April, treatment only delayed the inevitable.

“It was heartbreaking to see the Pelicans breakdown mentally, physically, and losingly over the last few months,” Dr. Flynn said. “Game after game you could see the condition worsening as their minds and hearts were saying to do one thing and their body of work just wasn’t responding.”

Coach Alvin Gentry, who was there with both eternally fired general manager Dell Demps and the Pelicans at the end, said in a statement the decision to euthanize the team was “tinged with regret, sorrow, even thoughts of what might have been.”

“It’s always hard to say goodbye but this was truly for the best,” Gentry said.

“I treasure the good memories we made together but it was time to set them free from the suffering. They will be missed not only by staff but also by the dozens of fans they’ve entertained for the almost two decades in New Orleans.”

Sources within the franchise say owner Gayle Benson hinted she will adopt brand new Pelicans later today to help everyone “turn those frowns upside down.”

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