Team physician mercifully puts down Pelicans after months of suffering

Team physician mercifully puts down New Orleans Pelicans after months of sufferingFree PhotosTeam doctors first noticed a concerning limp in the Pelicans' strategy back in 2021. Initial attempts at treatment involved a heavy dose of "wait till next year" that ultimately proved only to prolong the inevitable.

The long, agonizing struggle for the New Orleans Pelicans is mercifully over.

Team officials announced the squad was euthanized early this morning after battling several “aggressive degenerative conditions” that ultimately became unmanageable throughout this past season and raised concerns about the team’s “overall viability.”

According to a statement released by the franchise, the Pelicans had suffered for months with its condition recently worsening. Team physician Dr. Adam Flynn admitted the decision to euthanize was difficult.

“We tried everything,” Dr. Flynn said. “Despite optimism last summer, the team’s condition took a worrying downturn in January and never recovered. Ultimately the condition proved untenable, so we made the humane decision to euthanize it.”

Sources close to the team confirmed officials began noticing minor symptoms a few years ago and initially managed them with a combination of duct tape, Shinola, and blissful ignorance. The condition reportedly became aggressive this past January and quickly began ravaging the team’s body of work. By April, treatment only delayed the inevitable.

“Watching the mental and physical breakdowns unfold was truly gut-wrenching,” Dr. Flynn said. “Game after game you could see the condition worsening as their minds and hearts were saying to do one thing and their body of work just wasn’t responding.”

Coach Willie Green, present for the Pelicans’ final moments, acknowledged how tough it was to put the team down, a decision tinged with “regret, sorrow, even thoughts of what might have been.”

“There’s no denying the pain, it was heartbreaking to see them deteriorate,” Green lamented, his voice thick with emotion. “I treasure the good memories we made together but it was time to set them free from the suffering. They will be missed not only by the staff but also by the dozens of fans they’ve entertained for over two decades in New Orleans.”

Sources close to ownership hinted Gayle Benson will adopt brand new Pelicans later this summer to help everyone “turn those frowns upside down.”