Struggling Esplanade Mall announces rebranding, name change

Struggling Esplanade Mall in Kenner set for rebranding, name changeDon Kiebels


Kenner’s Esplanade Mall, one of the largest shopping centers in the region, will undergo a massive rebranding effort starting this month, which will also include a name change.

New management at the Esplanade today announced the struggling behemoth will soon become “Lakecide Mall.” The rebranding comes as management seeks to revive a mall that opened in 1985 and has had difficulty attracting shoppers and retaining retailers.

“It’s been a tough run for the Esplanade over the last decade, but we’re confident this rebranding will shake things up and effectively position us to confuse the hell out of shoppers,” said Victor Lewis, regional director of Pacific Retail property group which purchased the mall from Simon Property Group, owners of the mall since 2007.

“Imagine going to Google Maps and seeing both Lakecide Mall and Lakeside Mall. Just playing the odds, we’re bound to get some traffic off people who choose the wrong one.”

The two-floor Esplanade, which features over 900,000 square feet of tumbleweeds and dozens of abandoned senior citizens, has struggled to stay relevant in a world where an increasing number of shoppers are making purchases online or visiting the extremely popular one-story cluster*uck that is Lakeside Mall in Metairie.

“The response to the rebranding has been incredible. We have already had over a dozen new, high-quality retailers sign up since the announcement, along with several others on a growing waiting list. The future looks bright,” said Jessica Leigh, the mall’s general manager.

Sources within the mall tell Neutral Ground News that some of the new tenants will include: Budget Burials; Smitty’s Adult Toys and School Supplies; Greasy Pete’s Buckets o’ Food; The Eye Patch Emporium; Discount Clothes ‘n Shit; Good Lard; Adopt A Pet or They Die; Rent-a-Seat; Banana Hammock World; STD Pharmacy; CatPix; and Sears.

Leading the mall’s makeover is world renowned Chinese branding company Nikee.