Santa shot in CBD, Mayor Landrieu postpones Christmas to February

Neutral Ground News - New Orleans News - SatireDon Kiebels

Santa shot in New Orleans, Mayor Landrieu postspones Christmas to late February
Santa Claus is recovering at an area hospital while questions swirl around the status of Christmas after he was shot in an armed robbery in the Central Business District last night.

Police said Claus was taken to Tulane Medical Center and is now listed in serious but stable condition. No suspects are in custody.

A group of locals leaving an area bar discovered the no-longer-jolly old elf around 11 p.m. in the 700 block of Carondelet with a gunshot wound to the chest. His empty sack was found in a dumpster on a nearby street.

Jesse Landry, the first person to find the wounded Claus, didn’t know it was him at first.

“We were walking back to our car after leaving the bar and there he was laying in the street clutching his chest. I had no clue it was Santa. His clothes were tarnished with ashes and soot,” said Landry.

Landry reportedly used Uber to get Claus to the hospital instead of relying on 911.

“I’ve heard if you call 911 the waiting time for help to arrive can be over an hour—he didn’t have an hour. I wasn’t going to go down in history as the one who let Santa die,” Landry said.

With Santa expected to be in the hospital for at least a week and recovering for a couple months, thoughts quickly turned to how his injury will affect Christmas.

New Orleans Mayor Mitch Landrieu called an emergency meeting this afternoon with other officials from across the area to discuss how the world should proceed with celebrating the holiday season.

Landrieu, who has experience with moving holidays after pushing Halloween 2015 up by a day due to inclement weather, has decided it is in the world’s best interest to shelve Christmas this Friday.

“Should the doctor’s projected recovery time for Mr. Claus hold, it is my and other officials recommendation that Christmas this year should be postponed and rescheduled to be celebrated in February when Santa is back to full health,” said Landrieu. “With the potential great disappointment of children around the world, we simply cannot ask parents and other adults to continue their holiday traditions as usual.”

Santa, who was in New Orleans for a Christmas party to help de-stress before the big day, reportedly gave his sack over to the robber who became irate when discovering it only contained pieces of coal. When Claus said he didn’t have anything to give him, the robber said he didn’t believe in him and shot the jolly old elf.

Landrieu said that while he currently recommends Christmas be rescheduled for February, he believes this incident presents an opportunity to review the centuries-old holiday for how it relates to today’s world.

The mayor went on to even suggest possibly removing Christmas from the calendar altogether as many citizens around the world do not celebrate the day.

“Christmas does not necessarily reflect who we all are as a people. As a society. As one species. To many throughout the world, it is a day of exclusion and favoritism. It needs to be looked at,” said Landrieu.

While many people are disappointed that Christmas will not take place as usual on December 25th, Metairie resident Peter Cooper says he’s relieved more than anything.

“My wife used to do all the shopping, but we’re divorced now and I still have to get presents. So, at least, this gives me a little more time to put it off,” Cooper said. “I wrap gifts about as well as a toddler, so any additional time is definitely welcomed.”

Police have released a description of the suspect saying he or she is black, white, Asian or Hispanic, stands between 4’9″ and 6’7″, weighs approximately 100-250 pounds, may or may not have a tattoo, scar, or other identifying marks, and should be considered extremely naughty.

Anyone with information that can be persuaded to share it because there is a cash reward is asked to call Crime Stoppers.