Report: Sphincters tighten 93% wherever Fox 8 investigative reporter Lee Zurik goes

Report: Sphincters tighten 93% wherever Fox 8 investigative reporter Lee Zurik goes

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Completing an exhaustive five-year study, doctors now say there is a direct connection between the human sphincter tightening and that of WVUE Fox 8’s investigative reporter Lee Zurik approaching.

Report: Sphincters tighten 93% wherever Fox 8 investigative reporter Lee Zurik goes

If you see this man (Lee Zurik) approaching, it’s already too late.

According to the New Orleans Society of Proctologists, the group that conducted the study, anyone found within 50-yards of Zurik will immediately experience extreme anxiety, sweating, heart palpitations and “intense anal contractions” that almost entirely close the sphincter, up to 93%, in anticipation of being confronted with some type of personal investigation into his or her activities.

Zurik, known for hard-hitting investigative reporting that “can even send someone to jail” and eyebrows that just don’t quit, has made a name for himself as the “squeaky wheel” of New Orleans who delves into reports of wrongdoing.

Dr. Matthew Willard, president of the Society of Proctologists, says the study revealed that the anal contractions may actually be part of the famed “fight-or-flight response,” a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival.

Lee Zurik approaches an unsuspecting target. Report: Sphincters tighten 93% wherever Fox 8 investigative reporter Lee Zurik goes.

Zurik approaches a target.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re a government official, a small business owner, a homeless guy on the street or the person reading this,” Dr. Willard said. “Your cheeks are going to clench and your ass is going to become the Hoover Dam if your instincts sense Lee Zurik is anywhere nearby.

Dr. Willard, who has studied the phenomenon for five years now, says no one is immune from the condition.

“Everyone has a skeleton or two in their closet, and Mr. Zurik has become the living embodiment of that secret coming out,” said Dr. Willard.

“Regardless of if he’s actually coming for you or not; regardless of if you’ve done anything or not; everyone feels certain Zurik is gunning for them and will tense up until the Eyebrows leave the area.”

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