NFL star quarterback Drew Brees accused of 71,740 counts of aerial assault

Don Kiebels

Just before a potentially historic game in which he could set a new all-time career passing yardage record for the NFL, New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees is facing a whirlwind of aerial assault allegations — 71,740 in all.

An unnamed NFL team that wished to remain anonymous said it was aerially assaulted by Brees when he played at Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta on September 23, 2018, while he tried to “feed his inflated ego with padded stats.”

According to the team with fewer wins than the Cleveland Browns, the star quarterback mercilessly attacked their defense while they repeatedly yelled stop.

Reports show that an alleged eyewitness known only as “Elias” described the encounter.

“Brees had this look in his eyes — an intensity and determination. He easily threw for 396 yards and three touchdowns while running for two touchdowns to end up with a quarterback rating of 120.7. They [the team] were powerless to stop him.”

A second accusation that surfaced immediately ahead of Monday night’s big game, from another anonymous team, says Brees assaulted their defense with 511 yards and seven touchdowns at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans on November 1, 2015.

In all, 31 teams have come forward, bringing a total of 71,740 accusations of aerial assault to light. The New Orleans Saints, Brees’ current team, is the only team to not issue an accusation despite video evidence from 2004 showing the quarterback throw for 257 yards while leading his then-team the San Diego Chargers to a 43-17 rout of the Saints.

Brees denied any wrong-doing saying he approaches every game the same way and does not look to embarrass teams with his passing or slow-motion spin moves.

“It’s my job to get us in good plays, or more importantly, out of bad plays. That’s what I did,” Brees said. “My number one priority, and it always has been this, is keeping our team together and making sure we have the right guys in the right positions to make a run at this for a long time […] I hope our hopes and aspirations are bigger than setting records.”

Those who made the accusations don’t believe Brees.

“Look, this [9/23/18] isn’t the first time he’s done this — he’s been doing it his whole career, especially in New Orleans,” said an anonymous source close to the team that filed the first allegation and blew a 28-3 lead in a Super Bowl. “We have evidence that clearly shows a pattern to his behavior. You don’t throw for five of the nine 5,000 yard seasons in NFL history without it being a pattern.  That’s why this needed to come out, now, before he sets a new record.”

Brees, 39, takes on the Washington [redacted]s tonight on Monday Night Football and only needs to throw for 201 yards to set a new career passing yards record, a mark now held by retired All-Pro quarterback Forehead Manning.

The quarterback denied any truth to rumors that he would retire after this historic season, though he did not rule out his throwing arm hanging up its Icy Hot.