Mr. Brian Williams:
We don’t care what you’ve done — Only what you can do.
In light of your six-month suspension from NBC News, Neutral Ground News, a satirical news publication based in New Orleans, Louisiana, would like to extend to you an exclusive job offer to become our Chief Correspondent.
As NGN’s chief correspondent, Mr. Williams, you will be allowed to make up as much news as you would like, on whichever topics you would like, and you will be appreciated for it.
In fact, we highly encourage misremembering things.
While this job is unpaid, it does offer a creative outlet with envious benefits. You can expect such perks as:
• Our unconditional love (they say love is all you need, but we’ll offer even more)
• Vacation beard allowed ALL. THE. TIME.
• Semi-private bathroom, outfitted with Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper (like silk!)
• Unlimited supply of Subway coupons (limit one per day — their rules, not ours)
• Access to NGN’s own Take The Stairs gym
• Personal, covered parking spot (if you get there first)
• iPad Retro
• Ivory-like coffee cup (with your name on it)
• and more!
We believe this mutually beneficial partnership can take us both to new heights. How high we go will depend entirely on what you come up with.
Neutral Ground News thrives upon timely and humorous news, and often relies upon the fabrication of facts. Therefore, it is with this spirit that we offer you, Mr. Williams, employment with us during your six-month leave from NBC News. This job can be performed remotely and is available for immediate start.
If you would like to accept this position, Mr. Williams, or you would just like more information, please email [email protected].