A cure for COVID-19 is closer to dark timeline reality thanks to a legendary New Orleans scientist.
Dr. Momus Alexander Morgus, the celebrated mad doctor scientist also known as Morgus the Magnificent, made the ground-breaking revelation after he participated in a Zoom conference call with the World D.I.Y Medical Network Forum last week.
According to Dr. Morgus, his cure for COVID-19 is imminent pending the survival of his six test subjects over the next month and, regardless, will still likely be available for the full blue moon on October 31, 2020.
The DIYer’s virtual meeting focused on the “urgent need for the world’s best minds to come up a way for how people can help themselves overcome COVID-19 with something other than repeatedly saying ‘we’re all in this together.'”
Dr. Morgus revolutionized healthcare when he opened his groundbreaking D.I.Y. Clinic in 1987. Though, despite the pharmaceutical industry suing later that year and forcing him to shut the operation down, Dr. Morgus maintained his membership in the budding World D.I.Y. Medical Network, headquartered in Transylvania, Romania, and out of the reach of powerful, anti-D.I.Y. American companies.
Known for his abby-normal approach to science, Dr. Morgus said last month top-level members of the Higher Order directed him to begin research into finding a cure for COVD-19 as the organization began planning its “Great Reset” of the world. According to a source that infiltrated the Order, the Great Reset will “create a new world free of COVID-19 as well as many other human viruses and diseases, and, as an added bonus, devoid of personal injury attorneys since we’ll all become our own bloodsuckers in one form or another.”
“There is no better day to kick off ‘The Great Reset’ than a full-moon Halloween,” Morgus told the panel. “And I’ve got the treat that will trick the virus.”
The cure for COVID-19, Dr. Morgus says, is in confusing the virus by altering our DNA.
“My research definitively shows COVID-19 does not affect werewolves, vampires, and other creatures of the night,” Dr. Morgus said laughing maniacally. “The answer is obvious, isn’t it, friends? To overcome COVID-19 we must evolve.”
Morgus said after conferring with E.R.I.C., the Eon Research Infinity Computer connected to a molecular integrated circuit that holds all the knowledge of the universe in his memory banks thanks to the oversight of the Higher Order, he has created YAT-20, a combination of Dr. Tishneor’s Mouthwash / Antiseptic, Sazerac Rye, Viagra, water from an outfall pipe located in a canal in Kenner, a dissolved Rex doubloon (gold), and an olive.
“All it takes is one sip and you’re a vampire, a werewolf, a zombie, a sasquatch, a mummy, a Chupacabra, or a Chewbacchus,” Morgus the Magnificent said. “You can be stalkers, growlers, slashers, biters, and Honey Island Swamp Monsters, any of which assure you will from then on be immune to COVID-19. Though, if you become a vampire you may be an asymptomatic carrier of the virus when turning into a bat.”
Dr. Morgus, who is reported to have an I.Q. “in the 300s,” claims to have published several scientific books, including his blockbuster “New Hope for the Dead”, and the earth-shaking “Molecules I Have Known.” He frequently rails against “those idiots at the station” and “the idiots of the scientific community.” Morgus says he is Earth’s main member of the “Higher Order,” a super-scientific secret society dedicated to helping the development of intelligence throughout the universe.
“If we all ingest Yat-20 and shift into ugly, unnatural, and terrifying shapes, and the rest of the world joins us, we will end the pandemic swiftly and efficiently,” Morgus said. “On the Full Blue Moon this Halloween, we suck the lifeblood out of the Coronavirus. I promise you that on All Saints’ Day, the demonic disease will be gone like a fart in the wind, friends.”
Morgus the Magnificent said he will make the cure available free of charge via the D.I.Y. Medical Network beginning on Saturday, October 31st.