New Orleans criminals demand overtime pay for “exhaustive” work

Neutral Ground News - New Orleans News - SatireDon Kiebels

New Orleans criminals across the metro area are gearing up to march on City Hall in a labor dispute. After clocking significant overtime the past few months, criminals say they aren’t being fairly compensated and may bring the issue to court.

“I been mugging and murdering so many people lately that I barely have time to see my — what their names — kids and haven’t been making nearly enough for the time I put in,” said longtime criminal Three Fingers Jackson.

In fact, New Orleans has bested Chicago, nicknamed “Chiraq,” in the number of murders experienced this year with no end in sight. Many New Orleans criminals believe their force’s manpower is not where it needs to be, specifically with the New Orleans Police Department stretched so thin.

“There are so many hours in a day and we can do only so much crime in that time,” said Murder1, union spokesman for the local Thugs chapter #341 and self-proclaimed big dick of the area’s infamous C Level gang.

“Basically, the city is forcing me and my colleagues to work twice as hard for half the compensation. With so few police around, we’re forced with fewer numbers to go after more citizens, but that doesn’t mean we’re getting more. The citizens seemingly have less to give us per mugging than they used to.”

Murder1 says he knows the city has other priorities and that it generally addresses them as it can, but he also wants to bring light to what he says are unsustainable work conditions.

“Look, we’re happy to have the work and all. But it’s like they want us to do the policing, too, and that’s not in our job description. We just want to make a living like everyone else. All this overtime work is really putting a strain on our health and, long-term, I don’t know if we can keep this up without some kind of assistance.”

Some local experts, like Herzing College criminologist Dr. Eugene Branson, believe that Murder1 and his colleagues will have to deal with the situation at hand since the city has essentially bled its citizens dry through a bevy of taxes, speed cameras, parking hours and price hikes, and protests.

“The money just isn’t there like it used to be,” Dr. Branson said.

“Locals have nothing left to give and, as you saw with the long fight with the firefighter union, the city isn’t going to be very accommodating to Murder1 with his demands. It looks like the local thugs will have to work with what they’ve got.”

Dr. Branson says he sees the only temporary solution to be bringing in help from the outside, outsourcing some of the crime.

“To me, they need to bring in some of the old guard that’s in Houston or Atlanta who left New Orleans after Katrina. They can help cover more ground until things even out with the police department. The problem is, that only solves one of the issues, as the other, citizens no longer having much to give, may not change until the next mayor comes to term.”

Dr. Branson notes that with so many unsolved murders on the books, criminals stand only a 20-40% chance of being caught, which may be an attractive incentive when trying to persuade outside elements to move to New Orleans and help the beleaguered industry.

“The crime industry in this city is set to either boom or bust very soon. If it booms, which it looks like it will, you want to be in a position to capitalize.”

Apparently, crime, one of the city’s hottest industries, doesn’t pay overtime at the moment.