5,389,402 termites dead after violent weekend in New Orleans

Don Kiebels

The weekend was an especially deadly one in New Orleans as pest control authorities reported 5,389,402 Formosan termites across the city had been killed, including a mother termite and 87,307 of her children.

Almost all of the five million deaths have been ruled homicides, in which the New Orleans Mosquito and Termite Control Board said 5,210,550 termites were killed after being lured into bug zappers, though some reportedly died after being hit by car grilles, swatted by hands, burned alive by dozens of women with makeshift hairspray-flamethrowers, or eaten by dogs.

“It’s still being investigated, but all of the evidence points toward the termites to being a massive pain in the ass,” said NOMTCB spokesperson Chris Cox.

Already labeled one of the most dangerous cities in the nation, New Orleans has seen a surge in termite killings over the last few weeks as the insects began swarming throughout the city.

“Termites are naturally attracted to light, so someone or some people out there purposefully led these termites to their deaths. They knew they couldn’t resist going into the light,” said Cox.

Mid-City resident Holly Hatcher, who requested to not be identified, witnessed at least 9,000 of the killings after a swarm had gathered on her street corner.

“It was almost 11 [p.m.] on Sunday and they were loitering by the light on the corner again, doing who knows what, when a white Ford F-150 came down out of nowhere shooting gas. Five minutes later they all were dead. So gross,” Hatcher said.

The violence seems to have gotten the better of Mayor LaToya Cantrell, shocked by the savagery gripping the city.

“What the hell, man? I can’t catch a frickin’ break,” an angered Cantrell said as she swatted at her neck and rolled her fingers, “only termites.”