The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) today issued a Shitstorm warning for Southeast Louisiana, as an abnormally large hurricane anniversary has formed in the Gulf of Mexico and is expected to make landfall next week, over and over and over again.
According to reports, this Shitstorm is expected to strengthen throughout the coming week and will be one of the strongest recorded in at least a decade.
“We’ve been notified by the NOAA that this particular Shitstorm will bring some very strong allegory, a flood of hyperbole, a massive surge of eye rolls, and at least three photo-opping presidents,” said Mayor LaToya Cantrell.
“Citizens should make full preparations to hunker down for one, possibly two weeks of exhaustive news coverage and small talk. We advise everyone to avoid going outdoors, interacting with anyone, and blocking CNN, NOLA.com, as well as any forms of social media or communication until further notice.”
WDSU-TV chief meteorologist Margaret Orr says Shitstorm-force winds of hot air blowing from the national media will extend outward up to 7,918 miles (12,743 km) from the center and may strengthen into a major depression.”
“It’s a massive system that will be everywhere — TV, radio, web, outdoors. Hell, there’s even a fragrance. There’s no escaping the reach of Hurricane Katrina’s anniversary,” Orr said.
“All you can do is try to ride it out. I recommend avoiding everyone and everything as much as possible for the next two weeks. This is truly the mother of all Shitstorms.”
Residents who recall previous memorable Shitstorms agree.
“The 40-year anniversary of Hurricane Camille, which mind you was a Category 5, was talked about for maybe two days at most,” said Gentilly resident Sandy Warschard. “This one is so bad I wouldn’t be surprised if it spawned a reality TV show, a movie, and collectible merchandise. Shit, I need a drink.”
The Shitstorm is expected to produce widespread audible groans from across the Gulf Coast through September 1st.