Louisiana wasn’t supposed to have any money, but today shockingly announced it has reached an agreement with Mickey Loomis, executive vice president and general manager of the New Orleans Saints, executive vice president of the New Orleans Pelicans, and money magician, on a five-year, $70 million contract that includes $69 million guaranteed, to quickly fix the state’s massive budget problem.
“We’ve cut, gutted, rescinded, eliminated, and restructured just about everything there is but it’s not enough to close the gap. We have a historically bad budget and Mickey is the best available to help us turn it around,” said Senate President John Alario.
“With Mickey coming in, we feel like with his experience he’ll help us to not only bypass the current crisis but also make it someone else’s problem down the road. Have you seen what he can do? I know I’ll rest easier knowing Mickey is carrying all those ones into the future.”
Loomis, with a track record of handling contract negotiations, managing the Saints’ salary cap, and coordinating different areas of operation for the Saints, has developed an almost legendary reputation for finding daylight when there appears to be none.
The Saints consistently have been well over the NFL’s annual salary cap just about every year under Loomis’ watch forcing the team to part ways with numerous veteran players, fan favorites, and ungrateful relatives. Yet, the team not only continues to operate business as but, surprisingly, is still able to sign high-priced free agents.
“I keep reading how Louisiana’s budget is a complete shitshow. It’s not a great budget situation, but I don’t think it’s as dire as it’s sometimes made out to be. I mean, we’re not North Korea, but best case, when all is said and done I firmly believe we’ll finally be able to say we’re on their level,” said Loomis.
Some critics argue belt-tightening and accountability is the answer, not Loomis, and the $70 million allocated to his deal could be used to help close the gap.
“He’s had some success with the Saints over the years but the team also leads the NFL in dead money. That’s wasteful spending and poor foresight, and is exactly what got us into this situation,” said Jerry Taylor, president of the political watchdog group Can You Believe This Guy?
“One day all those bills will come due and my guess is Loomis, like all the state’s current politicians, will be comfortably retired in Tahiti while our children and our children’s children pay the piper.”
On the other side, Rep. John Ommena, R-New Orleans, who tirelessly campaigned for the state to sign Loomis, disagrees.
“Mickey is a versatile, hard-working professional who has displayed a once-in-a-generation knack for moving money around, and more importantly, kicking the can down the road. Haven’t you ever wanted to eat Taco Bell, thought it was a bad idea, but still got it anyway because who cares, the squirts are future you’s problem. Passing the buck every red, white, and blue-blooded American’s God-given right. Who knows, after he works his magic we might have to change our name to Loomisiana,” said Rep. Ommena.