With a blast of arctic air enveloping most of south Louisiana and a pipe-bursting freeze on the way, New Orleans officials are strongly advising area residents to dig in and make preparations for small talk.
“You have to be ready for weather like this,” said New Orleans resident Richard Alvarez as he wrote down a list of potential phrases to say when talking with other people over the next few days.
“Everyone is going to be talking about the ‘Arctic Blast’ and if you don’t have your verbal supplies ready you’re going to get your conversation killed. You need to be prepared.”
New Orleans, which will be under a Small Talk Warning all this week, will likely experience temperatures that drop into or close to freezing temperatures and bury the city under several days of weather-focused discussion. The series of wintry cold blasts will leave New Orleans with a freezing Christmas.
“I saw my best friend’s conversation with me die right before my eyes when we went through the ‘Polar Vortex’ a few years back — he had no clue what I was talking about when I brought up that term. It was gut-wrenchingly awkward,” said Alvarez.
One Uptown woman has even gone as far as vowing to never get out of bed again after experiencing weather she “didn’t sign up for” when deciding to live in New Orleans, ultimately bypassing any chance of small talk.
City officials advise locals to immediately prepare a winter weather small talk survival kit if not done already, including:
• 10-20 cold weather-related phrases to start or continue the small talk
• 1 cellphone picture of your car/home’s thermometer showing the cold temperature
• List of 50 words associated with cold weather
• 10 social media statuses complaining about the cold and/or using the term “hunker down”
• 3 selfies of you showing off the winter clothing you just bought off Amazon with expedited shipping
• 1 Beard Hat or Beardski