New Orleans vampires upset with discriminatory short-term rental regulations

Neutral Ground News - New Orleans News - SatireDon Kiebels

Several vampires in the local community are speaking out against the city’s short-term rental restrictions in the French Quarter, claiming it discriminates against their lifestyle.

The Vieux Carre Vampire Coven recently held a press conference shortly after nightfall calling for the city to ease restrictions on renting out their gothic homes, which they claim unfairly limits their ability to rent their residences during the day when they cannot come out.

“Vhat really upsets me is that ve rest in our coffins during the day, vhich is vasted revenue that ve aren’t able to sink our teeth into,” said Jareth Orfeo, who has lived in the French Quarter area for over two centuries. “All ve ask is to have our voices heard.”

Councilmember and mayoral candidate LaToya Cantrell, who has had a mixed message on short-term rentals, noted that affordable housing matters to all constituents, regardless of income, race, or mortality.

“As long as they aren’t buying or using houses specifically for Airbnb, I think these vampires should be able to rent out spare rooms or coffins to help subsidize our local economy.”

Some residents, like Claude Dulac, feel the French Quarter shouldn’t fall victim to the lack of affordable housing that has struck nearby neighborhoods like the Marigny.

“We don’t need these bloodsuckers bringing yuppie hipsters into the French Quarter and stealing the lifeblood of our regulated hotels. They can stay on the other side of Esplanade.”

But the vampires say the issue about more — it’s about equality.

“All ve vant is to be treated equally,” wept Adrasteia Imperia, who struggles to pay rent on a 4 bedroom house that has been in her family since 1792. “I may not have a reflection, but if these people have issues, maybe they should look in the mirror.”