Landrieu’s bold violence initiative eliminates murder by redefining “crime”

Don Kiebels

Mayor Mitch Landrieu, in partnership with the City Council, today took a bold step to stop the high incidence of both murder and armed robbery crimes in the Big Easy by introducing a new radical violence initiative.

On the heels of the city’s latest shootings and murders, Landrieu surprised everyone at the City Council meeting today by making a personal appearance and then proposing his new initiative to not only reduce but also eliminate murder and armed robbery in the floundering Parish.

“I’ve heard the voice of the people saying the numbers of murder and armed robbery are out of control, and they are right,” the mayor said. “Far too many are reported in our fair city. But what, exactly, is murder? What is an armed robbery? Sure, they’re crimes. But what if they weren’t?”

Intrigued, the City Council elected to pause their meeting to hear what plans the mayor had in mind to combat rising crime.

“Now stay with me on this. Sure, people may still be held up at gunpoint and be shot dead in the streets, but they wouldn’t be, ya’ know, crimes. And if it’s not a crime, it doesn’t get reported as a crime. The City doesn’t have to get involved. No more red dots on the map. And then we can say with undeniable confidence that we not only have reduced the rate of armed robbery and murder but eliminated them completely. Best of all, this is accomplished in one day.”

The mayor then asked the City Council to remove all counts of murder and armed robbery from the City’s law books, which they did enthusiastically in a 9-1 vote.

“New Orleans is no longer the murder capital of the South. Those kinds of crimes just don’t happen here,” said a smiling Council member donning a bullet-proof vest when leaving the meeting at City Hall.

Landrieu also touted the fiscal savings the changes will bring, significantly reducing the need for the NOPD, the courts, and parish prison. The mayor said the funds saved are sorely needed for other critical priorities, such as political photo opportunities.

If this initiative successfully ends murder and armed robbery on paper, the mayor said he will look into eliminating other crimes from the law, including auto theft, burglary, and assault and battery.

“Crimes hurt far too many people. We want to change the culture of violence into a culture of peace. By 2020, New Orleans could be the first city in America without a single crime on the books. Now that’s a legacy,” said Landrieu.