Investigation into New Orleans flooding reveals pumps clogged with bullshit

Investigation into flooding reveals pumps clogged with large amounts of bullshit

Louisiana Satire Network - The Red Shtick Daily Crawfish Neutral Ground News

Searching for answers and people to blame as to why a large part of New Orleans became a swamp after one of the heaviest, quickest rain falls in 10 years, an investigation by the Office of Inspector General has found the main cause of the flooding. The pumps are coated with thick layers of bullshit.

According to the Inspector General’s surprisingly fast report, the city’s pumping system became clogged due to countless local and national politicians dumping massive amounts of bullshit into the city’s streets over the last decade. The bullshit reportedly built up to overwhelming levels, preventing the pumps from operating at the expected capacity and allowing New Orleans flooding to occur more often.

New Orleans Inspector General Ed Quatrevaux said the internal systems were never built to handle political bullshit, which is what ultimately caused the pumps to become largely ineffective in removing the vast amounts of rain water during the last storm.

“The bullshit started seeping into the system about 10 years ago with the new drainage system and pumps after Katrina,” Quatrevaux said. “It continued to collect and grow with larger chunks of bullshit about sinkholes, potholes, infrastructurestatues, crime, climate change, pumping stations, and yadda yadda yadda, causing significant blockages that damaged the system and lessened how much could be pumped out.”

Pictured: Officials from the New Orleans Office of Inspector General investigate Pumping Station #2 to see why the system didn’t work as effectively as expected, ultimately finding that massive amounts of bullshit were clogging the system.

Past inspections, Quatrevaux stated, had not revealed any issues with the pumps but he now suspects that the reports themselves were full of bullshit.

“It’s sometimes hard to see bullshit until you’re stepping in or wading through it like so many here were the other day. My concern is that this is an indication of a larger problem in the city, where bullshit is being released in large quantities and potentially coming into contact with people,” Quatrevaux said, noting that the mayoral election and voting for other city positions are coming up.

Local environmental engineer Bob Villere indicated he had never seen this much bullshit and was surprised the pumps were working at all.

“It’s fairly dense and hard bullshit, and it takes either high-pressure water or cutting heads to cut through it,” Villere said. “We’ve been burning our pumps out expecting them to work while full of bullshit and it’s been really handicapping our efforts to keep the city dry.”

Villere said that while New Orleans has one of the best systems in the world, this kind of bullshit is on the rise and locals should not rely on the pumps to keep it out.

“We are in an era of climate change, where we have this kind of bullshit every week, every month. And it’s not just us. It’s the rest of the country that’s experiencing the same bullshit patterns. We’re now in a situation where we now receive more bullshit than anybody could have imagined on a recurring basis,” he said.

The report also blames city leaders for recently telling citizens the local water supply may contain trace amounts of lead when it, in fact, held high levels of bullshit.

“All it took was one small piece of bullshit to catch, and then they piled on top of each other creating the situation we’re now in. If we don’t clear it right away, it builds and builds until it finally backs up into our businesses, homes, and lives,” Quatrevaux said.