Wait to enter Heaven exceeds three millennia after Leah Chase, Dr. John open new restaurant-venue

Neutral Ground News - New Orleans News - SatireDon Kiebels

If you’re knocking on heaven’s door, you may want to think about going around the block a few more times.

An ever-growing line of souls is forming at the Pearly Gates as famous New Orleanians Leah Chase and Dr. John have together opened a new restaurant-music venue in the Avalon District.

Reports from the Promised Land say the waiting list to enter Heaven now exceeds a record three millennia, a phenomenon not seen since Elvis began his Celestial Tour causing the average wait time to jump from two minutes to four years.

Chase, the Queen of Creole Cuisine who was known during her 96-year earthly existence as one of the world’s top culinary masters, and a cultural icon from New Orleans, moved to the Kingdom last weekend and immediately opened Dooky Grace’s restaurant and music venue. Within moments, the good word was out — souls didn’t need to go to Hell to get a taste of the after-life’s hottest food and music.

Malcolm John Rebennack, better known by his stage name Dr. John and who spent 77 years on a goodwill mission before returning home, dazzled countless crowds with his incredible ability to fluently speak to other souls — sometimes without saying a word — becoming a music legend. Dr. John, who partnered with Chase for the new restaurant, will provide the music, doing a once nightly ‘Right Place At The Right Time’ show at the restaurant’s ‘Cherubim and Seraphim Bar,’ with the ‘Scocious Angels’ singing backup.

Because of its strict no-reservations policy, Heaven utilizes a first-come-first-served basis to enter the Pearly Gates and is often perfectly efficient in processing souls. Though, since Leah Chase and Dr. John arrived, the line has reached beyond the unobservable universe and the staff has so far been unable to keep up with demand.

According to St. Peter, host at the Pearly Gates, his staff has started handing out pagers to the names on his growing list for when spots are ready and making the newly ascended wait in a separate area before they get in. This surprised a number of Protestant patrons, who were assured they would be seated right away, and a number also got upset after their Catholic friends kept getting a better place in line whenever somebody down on Earth prayed for them.

“But even with that, the response has been miraculous — we knew it would be joyous, but just not this crazy,” said St. Peter. “God was the first one to get a spot at Dookie Grace’s when it opened and just as He finished a bowl of Leah’s cosmic-famous Gumbo Z’Herbes, Dr. John walks in and says, ‘Let’s dance!’ and starts playing as if it was all part of some grand master plan… just kidding, it totally was.”

Funny enough, the line has become a thing. Waiting has become a thing. While some souls dislike waiting to get in, others believe suffering through a wait has an upside, mentioned St. Peter.

“Some souls need a little purgatory before entering the Kingdom. Anyway, Mrs. Leah Chase was all about family and meeting people, and when you’re in line you get to talk to a lot of people. Regardless, the end reward is breathtaking so everyone is willing to wait.”