In a decision that caught everyone by surprise, unreliable sources say the Jefferson Parish Council next week will endorse the “Green New Deal” as a way to deal with the parish’s ongoing nutria problem.
The Green New Deal, a recent and controversial proposal by Democratic Socialist Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to combat climate change through centralized planning and fairy dust, proposes to eliminate “farting cows” to cut methane pollution.
Nutria, a South American rodent imported in the early 20th Century for their fur, is a poodle-sized herbivore that lives near water, burrows into adjacent banks, and probably says derogatory things about your mama. Over the decades, the burrowing has caused millions of dollars in damage to canal and bayou banks, roadways, building foundations, and levees, becoming the Parish’s second most costly remediation efforts.
Attempts to eradicate the orange-toothed pests in Jefferson Parish have included poisoning, shooting, and playing Nickelback at high volumes. These efforts, however, have all been opposed by environmental groups, homeowners associations, and fans of real rock music.
“We read the details of Cortez’s plan,” said a source at Jefferson Parish Department of Streets and Canals, “and we did a few calculations. We realized we had a great opportunity to reframe the problem. Nobody seems to care if people die from collapsing roads or buildings. But folks will agree to almost anything when it comes to climate change. Nutrias eat plants and grasses, just like cows. So our problem isn’t nutrias; it’s ‘farting nutrias!’”
There are ten times more farting nutrias in Jefferson Parish than farting cows and produce 3.77 times more methane gas.
“It’s a win-win,” another source noted. “We can now shoot and poison the windy little buggers all we want without folks complaining, and the Parish Council can say they are doing something about climate change.” The source also noted, for some reason, that there is an election coming up.
The council will make one exception. New Orleans Baby Cakes mascot Boudreaux D. Nutria along with wife Clotile and children Beauregard, Cherie, Claudette, Jean-Pierre, Noelle, and Thibodaux, who will not be moving with the team to Omaha when it relocates next year, will be exempt from elimination.
“Having to promote the Baby Cakes and wear all that crap like they were proud of it — they’ve suffered enough for a dozen generations,” continued the source.
If you see or hear a farting nutria in your neighborhood, please call the Nutria Special Response and Job-Security Unit at the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office.