A cure found and a life lost.
When premier New Orleans doctor-scientist Dr. Momus Alexander Morgus, also known as ‘Morgus the Magnificent,’ passed away at 90 late last week, the metropolitan area mourned his death.
But, an exclusive report by the Neutral Ground News investigative staff that searched the bowels of forums, messages boards, and comment sections across the internet, the death of Dr. Morgus appears to be much more than old age.
Dr. Morgus had recently announced a cure for COVID-19 on the day prior to his death. The elixir, which allegedly was named ‘YAT-20,’ was tested on 50 COVID patients who, according to sources close to Dr. Morgus, were all cured in one afternoon.
Unfortunately, Dr. Morgus took the exact formula to his grave so a cure still eludes us. But the doctor’s longtime lab assistant, Chopsley, revealed YAT-20 to be “a very New Orleans solution.”
According to a dingy note scrawled by Chopsley for Neutral Ground News, YAT-20 is said to be an unknown combination of Dr. Tishneor’s Mouthwash / Antiseptic, Sazerac Rye, Viagra, water from an outfall pipe located in a canal in Kenner, a dissolved Rex doubloon (gold), and an olive. (Editor’s Note: Dr. Morgus previously said he could only afford the off-brand of Dr. Tichenor’s since he was to make the cure available for free / not profit off of it.)
“The ingredients give some interesting clues as to who may have wanted Morgus silenced,” said Neutral Ground News Editor in Chief Don Kebels, “or at least give us an opportunity to engage in some really wild speculation… sorry… I meant, serious journalism. Did I say that out loud?”
So, who done it?
Locally, the obvious choice, at least if you listen to Instagram, is ‘The Creature from the City Park Lagoon.’ But NGN has confirmed that Mitch Landrieu was out of town at the time.
Mayor Latoya Cantrell has also been mentioned as someone who may have had a motive. If COVID is cured, Cantrell will lose her “emergency” dictatorial powers and may not get her fair share of CARES Act money nor have the chance to be on CNN. But a number of sources at City Hall point out that offing Dr. Morgus would require Mayor Cantrell to have to make, you know… a decision. So she’s in the clear.
Rex Krewe officials, contacted by NGN about Dr. Morgus dissolving their doubloons for YAT-20, refused comment due to social-climbing distancing; plus all the thank-you notes.
Krewe of Nyx founder Julie Lea has also been mentioned as a potential suspect because why not?
Quite a few outside of the Big Easy have a reason to see Dr. Morgus and his cure come to an end. Like Pfizer, and other large pharmaceutical companies, who stand to lose billions if a competing cure could be made at home and at half the price.
And then there is the political angle. This being an election year, a cure for COVID right now is not in the interest of either party. Until after November, of course. President Donald Trump doesn’t want any cure he didn’t personally approve of on Twitter or doesn’t include the prefix ‘hydro’ in the name. And only this week did current Democratic presidential nominee and former vice president Joe Biden learn how to say “COVID-19” without an aide and a teleprompter.