New Orleans restaurants diners! You can eat it! Figuratively.
Mayor LaToya Cantrell has released new COVID-19 restrictions for the city as part of Phase One for reopening Louisiana, one of which is having diners wear a mask at all times when eating in New Orleans restaurants
The restriction maintains that each diner must stay at least the length of one dead construction worker apart from one another and 2 traffic camera lengths between tables. Diners must also cover his or her mouth, nose, eyes, and ears with a mask at all times throughout the meal, while also patting the top of his or her head, rubbing his or her belly, and hopping on one foot.
As part of Phase One, New Orleans restaurants will also be legally responsible for taking down each diner’s full legal name, home address, email address and all online account passwords, employer’s name and address of address, religion, sexual preferences, underwear choices, and all personal banking information, in order for the City to better monitor potentially contagious persons.
The banking information will also be used to assist the City with its innovative new “direct withdrawal” program to help with City funding during this crisis, which the Mayor expects will run until the year 3030.
Mayor Cantrell reportedly will be monitoring restaurants herself at all times to ensure each and every one is subjugating to her rules without hesitation.
Some critics say trying to eat with a mask on will present a sizable problem for diners, as access to the mouth will be eliminated. New Orleanians may starve.
Supporters of the restriction, however, say they will not be bullied by such cockamamie, unscientific fiddle-faddle.
“Don’t listen to those who don’t listen to experts, and only think about their stomachs. People can live for weeks without eating a bite. It [the restriction] is what’s best for you,” said supporter, best selling author, one of the ‘World’s 50 Greatest Leaders,’ and former New Orleans Mayor Mitchard Landrieu.
“It may not make sense to some of you selfish calorie addicts right now or even later, but you’ll thank the Mayor and you’ll like it. Or, you can go to jail.”