Corps of Engineers demands New Orleans change directions

Neutral Ground News - New Orleans News - SatireDon Kiebels

Facing a discrepancy between terms used in New Orleans versus those utilized elsewhere in the nation, the US Army Corps of Engineers today announced the Crescent City will soon have to change the way it gives directions.

The order, which includes adapting all future conversations, emails, publications, correspondence, and maps to fall in line with national standards, comes after government officials hilariously performed an efficiency audit.

According to the Corps, all people in New Orleans will soon have to use ‘North’ instead of ‘Lakeside,’ ‘South’ instead of ‘Riverside,’ ‘East’ instead of ‘Downtown,’ and ‘West’ instead of ‘Uptown.’

“This is going to cause utter chaos,” said Steve Mayer, a spokesman for Mayor Mitch Landrieu told NGN reporter C-Mortar. “We’ve been using these terms for generations. The ‘north side of Magazine’ means nothing to us down here.”

City Councilman Bill Sawyer, who opposes the mandate, says he will fight to save the fabric of New Orleans from ever having to change, ever.

“There absolutely, positively is no issue more important or critical to this city’s future. I will give it my undivided attention and if I have to, use my entire term to focus on fighting it,” said Sawyer.

“Look what happened the last time we attempted to use the Corps’ standards. The only directions they gave us were ‘above water’ and ‘under water.'”

The city has until August 28th to comply.