Ancient prophecy to be fulfilled as New Orleans enters Phase 2 of reopening

Neutral Ground News - New Orleans News - SatireDon Kiebels

Fulfilling an ancient prophecy predicted hundreds of generations ago, New Orleans Mayor LaToya Cantrell announced the city will activate the second phase of its coronavirus plan. New Orleans reportedly will enter Phase 2 of reopening on Saturday, June 13th.

The prophecy reportedly foretells the long-awaited Phase 2 of reopening New Orleans will mean the return of vomiting in streets, bar fights, swimming in puddles of pee, beading for boobs, and strip shows, as long as masks are worn and social distancing is maintained. Restaurants and other businesses that have not previously been turned in to the not-so-secret police will be allowed up to 50% capacity.

Critics arguing New Orleans is activating Phase 2 too soon say the prophecy warns a curse will be cast upon the city and its people if the process is performed too quickly. This curse, which does not differentiate between politicians and people, is claimed can cause flooding, swarms of termites, oppressive heat, water needing to be boiled, collapsing buildings, inability to pay taxes, incompetence, impotence, and more.

Some critics argue it is too late and the curse is already upon the city.

“Can we limit the curse of incompetence? I’m in the middle of a book I’m writing called ‘How to Live with Curses,'” Uptown resident Ari Justine said. “It’s an evidence-based self-help book that looks at how we as a city have been cursed since Day 1 and what we can do to better live with the curse, making the best of the time we have. It’s too late to cancel the curse but it’s not too late to understand and work with it.”

Parties, weddings, funerals, outdoor concerts, and other events will be limited to 100 people. Gatherings had previously been limited to 10 people. However, protests of 100,000 or more will be allowed as long as social distancing is observed.

What’s next after the second phase? Allegedly nothing. According to experts, the legendary Phase 3 is just a myth found on the social media pages of Karens, Chads, and unwitting senior citizens, and should not be taken as an eventual actuality.

“I would not put much faith into the mythical so-called Phase 3,” Dr. Zephram Wild, an expert in Nolaeology said. “It’s like expecting a Sewerage & Water Board pump to work – you’re going to be let down.”