All of New Orleans claims to be homeless after mayor announces homeless will be housed at Hilton and Windsor Court, meals catered by Drago’s and Antoine’s


Every single person in Orleans Parish, all 423,456 weary souls, is now claiming to be homeless after Mayor LaToya Cantrell, in between national news interviews, announced the City plans to house its destitute population at various Hilton Hotels in the French Quarter and the CBD, plus the Windsor Court Hotel, for the duration of the COVID-19 pandemic.

The City will feed the homeless by catering take-out from local restaurants such as Drago’s, Antoine’s, Mother’s, Galatoire’s, and The Windsor Court’s Grille Room.

“To be frank, we were all a bit surprised by the response,” the Mayor said. “We had no idea homelessness was such big a big problem in the Crescent City. If the Feds had told me earlier that this would happen then I would have responded sooner. Now, we may have to utilize the Caribbean sister resorts of the hotels to help with all the overflow.”

Mayor Cantrell indicated the cost for housing and feeding the homeless for the duration should be picked up by the State and Federal governments, as well as Hard Rock International.

“This is why we pay taxes,” noted the Mayor.

In a related story, rats living in the French Quarter gathered on an empty Bourbon Street last week to protest conditions during the pandemic.

With the closing of the bars and clubs and just about no homeless people to nibble on, many have little to eat.

“Look, we’re fine with the pandemic thing,” said a protesting rat who gave his name as Benjy. “Hell, my ancestors have a proud history of spreading diseases. But we live in a ‘food desert’ now. The drunk tourists aren’t dropping their beignets and we ain’t seent our chedda boy Popeye in weeks.”

Another, named Frankie, said, “Ain’t no more garbage to rummage, ya heard? Ain’t no more vomit to eat. What are we supposed to do? This place has become a real shithole, fast, ya heard me?”

Said a critic of the Mayor: “She’s lost the tourists, and the residents, and even the rats. What’s next? City employees?”